Emma Taylor
21 August 2020
The blame game is something we have all probably played at one stage of another with our loved ones. The tendency to combat accusations of blame by finding something you can throw back at them to even the score. These tips to save a marriage article will focus on blame and retaliation, what is behind it and how you can avoid it to save your marriage and stop a divorce.
Blame has two angles: To bring up problems in a relationship and to hurt the other person.
Now one of these things has a legitimate place in communication when a marriage is in trouble and heading for divorce and the other one just speeds it along and accomplishes nothing and breaks down the communication channel into arguments, shouting matches and the never ending blame game that mires you in revenge and anger that is hard to crawl out of. I think you see which one I am referring to.
As has been mentioned why people do this is because there are problems in a relationship that need to be addressed, you cannot close your eyes and mind to he fact that you may have made mistakes when someone calls you out on it however you can direct where you go from there wisely.
This is made difficult of course when the tone and intent of this accusation is barbed and poisonous and meant to hurt however you must make a decision at this point. Do you want to save your marriage? Or do you want to spiral down the road to divorce?
If you want to work through the problems and not be divorced then there is a simple formula you can follow when the blame game gets started that will calm the situation down, allow grievances to be brought up and allow you in the end not to feel like you have ‘lost’ your honour or self respect.
Accept the blame
Now this may make you angry, this may make your blood boil when you are accused of something perhaps that was not your fault or that was very minor and is being blown into huge proportions. The problem is refuting that claim simply brings the anger level up and the ability to discuss things rationally so the first thing you HAVE to do is diffuse the situation.
Simply accept the criticism even if you do not believe it, nod and listen and endure because if you love this person and want to salvage a marriage you need to hear them out in full so swallow your pride and know this is not the end however endure it for the sake of your marriage.
Listen to the problem behind the complaint
Blame and accusations do not come from nowhere and even if they are overplayed or even just plain wrong your job should not be to throw that back at them however listen to the real message behind it. You must try to empathise with your spouse and try to see things from their point of view even if you do not agree.
This is because a complaint about spending too much money might not be actually about the money spent however might be about making decisions together maybe. Or an argument about perceived flirting with other people might more be about their insecurity and their feelings that they are fading in your interests even if they do trust you.
It can be complex and people often do not say what they really mean when they are aiming to hurt so your listening skills and empathy skills must be turned up to the max.
Do not retaliate
By this stage you may have a better understanding of the issues and if you can keep control of your own tongue you may almost get to a breakthrough. Do not use any insight and knowledge to launch another attack back at them because that destroys everything you have just learned.
Hold you tongue, even agree with them if there is ‘some’ truth to the accusation however do not act defeated or cowed because you need to now be the strong one and propose a solution not cave in or retaliate.
Question the situation
This may seem like the last thing you want to do however delving further into their complaint can reveal more hidden anxieties, fears and problems that they may not know they even have.
Talk to them and ask ‘why’ about certain things calmly and rationally and keep the peace because you may have just opened up a great line of communication if you can be the bigger person and do not enter the blame game.
Use this communication line to broach other topics
If you have managed to get somewhere by now the retaliations that were on your lips however never said can come out in a constructive way by raising them as a problem without any barbed attacks attached because by this stage if you have gone through their problems in detail a feeling of reciprocation will often exist that will allow you to put forward your own point of view.
By following these tips to save your marriage you can avoid the blame game and approach the task of mending a relationship with a better understanding of each others point of view and a way to communication properly.
